Contentment is a very big area of our lives and it really can affect our level of happiness and joy as mothers. It is such a nuanced and interesting topic that affects us all. This journey of motherhood that we are on is marked by profound love, joy, and sacrifice for our children, and as a Christian, I realise that my own contentment is ultimately rooted in the delicate dance between trusting in God’s providence, working diligently and purposefully, and having faith that God does, and can change my circumstances.
In the midst of this beautiful journey of raising my children, I sense another struggle within me which are feelings of “am I satisfied? Am I happy? How can I experience joy and fulfillment as I work hard to serve, love and be there for everyone else in my home?” These are searching questions and I ponder on them constantly because one thing that I am personally committed to, is being a happy and fulfilled woman and mother not only for my children, but for myself.
My contentment is often linked to my expectations of what I believe I should have, and where I believe I should be in life and I think part of what can create discontentment in motherhood, is dealing with the reality of limitations. When we become mothers, it’s inevitable to face certain limitations inherent to this role, because it is a distinctive journey unlike any other. We enter into a new season of life which requires a lot of shift and adjustment.
In our age of social media where curated images of perfection abound in all areas of life, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of measuring our worth against carefully positioned and placed images and videos that display a standard and yardstick which we must all meet. While inspirational, we can find ourselves on a torturous cycle of constantly questioning our decisions, doubting our capabilities, and endlessly chasing after an idealised concept of motherhood that doesn’t truly exist- not 100% of the time anyway!
The arrival of our children brings countless blessings, but it also ushers in personal and relational (with our spouses) challenges that can test even the most resilient of us. Overnight, our lives change and our days become filled with endless demands, sleepless nights, and a constant juggling act to balance the needs of our children with our own desires and aspirations. How can we feel as though we are ok and not forgotten and unseen in the midst of it all? It’s a tough one that requires practical application grounded in scriptural direction.
Contentment and limitations
Very real and normal limitations to our lives and lifestyles will look different for each mother and I am learning that in order to cultivate contentment well, and find joy, I have to (by faith) adjust my expectations – bend them if you will to my current limitations. High expectations are good, and needed in some areas of our lives as they drive us forward to achieve goals, however I have experienced that my unmovable stance when it comes to my expectations being met in a very specific way actually creates overwhelm for me because it collides head on with my reality which in most cases is different. This then leaves me either frustrated or paralysed and feeling like I am suffocating under it all.
So what can we do? Adjusting our expectations to our limitations can help produce thankfulness, progress and good fruit in our hearts and lives. This is where the faith aspect comes in because it requires a willingness to surrender our desires and expectations to God, trusting that His plans for our lives—and the lives of our children—are far greater than we could ever imagine (Jeremiah 29:11). We live in a fast paced all or nothing world where passionately pursuing our own fulfillment is the norm, so anything that appears to threaten this is seen as a negative thing, even if it’s our own children.
Reconciling our expectations with the reality of our current lives is a great challenge that we’ll always have to find balance with, but in doing this well, I believe that we’ll be able to enjoy and accept the current season for what it is- good and bad while having hope toward something different in the future.
Many of us experience the mourning of our freedom and opportunities when we become mums. The pressure to “have it all” and continue exceling in every aspect of our lives—career, family, relationships—can weigh heavily on our shoulders, leaving us feeling like we are perpetually missing the mark. Natural comparison to other mums who seem to have it all figured out can increase our feelings of discontentment, frustration and disappointment.
Either your a boss babe that can do it all, a stay at home mother who has opted out of the pursuit of career and financial rewards, or a mixture of both. Either way, the issue of contentment comes up because we are women, a lot of us are very capable, and we want to feel as though our output in life matches with the financial reward and our inherent sense of worth.
Even though our once familiar routines become disrupted, and our priorities shift, adjusting our expectations to our limitations can help to shift our focus from impossibility to possibility which is so encouraging! I’ll give two examples from my life.
My personal experience: two examples
I really enjoy exercising, and before I had children, I had the freedom to workout without interruption, I could go to gym classes, or use the gym if I wanted to. My life in this season looks very different as I have had to cancel my gym membership and workout from home. In the beginning I absolutely hated it and felt resentful towards the fact that I couldn’t have my time the way I wanted to.
I felt very annoyed for a good few months. Why should I have to miss out on what is really important to me? I don’t enjoy working out at home at all and enjoyed the change of environment and focus at the gym. Well I have had to adjust my expectation to this limitation and instead of struggling against it, I have had to bend my will (painfully on a lot of days) to my reality, and redirect my thoughts to see the opportunity of how I can make good with what I can do now. I now workout early in the mornings when the boys are asleep, and I have actually grown to enjoy it. Some times they wake up, and when they do they play around me.
I am always having to train my mind from seeing the lack, to being thankful that I can still have time and opportunity to do something. If this should change in the future, I’ll gladly take it (!!) but for now, this will do and in accepting it as a good thing, good fruit is growing from it.
Another area is in the area of teaching the boys our native language (Twi). This has been a desire of mine since we got married 8 years ago. My husband speaks it fluently, but what is my limitation? I don’t. It didn’t stop me from having very high expectations for myself and my children though and I have wanted them to learn to speak and understand from an early age. As you can imagine this has brought a lot of frustration and feelings of failure as I am no where near the goal of speaking it fluently and passing it down to the boys.
Then I realised that the high expectation was a huge burden that was paralysing me from moving forward. The mountain just felt so huge. So I had to adjust my expectations to my reality by deciding that if all I can do to encourage our culture is work with the boys on a few words etc, translating for them (because I understand the language), songs, and stories, it is still a great seed sowing investment. They may not grow up speaking fluently, but they will still know about their heritage and hopefully have an appreciation and love for it, which is ultimately what we want! Settling my heart in this has brought the joy back in teaching them Twi.
Hope in finding contentment
Amidst the challenges that we face, there is hope for our journeys. Finding contentment after motherhood can feel like this grand finish line that we all need to reach, but I think it’s actually something that God wants us to diligently embrace while we are on the journey. That’s when our eyes and heart open up to see His goodness and faithfulness to us as we grow and encounter new and different life experiences. Acknowledging and accepting the inherent challenges of motherhood can co- exist with immeasurable joy and fulfillment.
We have the liberty to explore our interests and passions, nurture relationships, take time to pour into ourselves with the things we enjoy and so much more within motherhood because we have this new role that propels us forward into a stronger version of ourselves daily. We just have to take our time, breathe and trust that as long as we maintain a healthy balance, perspective and level of discipline, we can attain a lot of our goals. It may just look different to how we want to do it!
Finding contentment in motherhood requires a shift in our mindset which is a conscious choice to embrace the beauty and imperfection of our lives. Contentment is not static- a do once and finish with it type of thing. It is meant to be a daily pursuit (and let’s be real, fight sometimes) to drink from the fresh flowing water of grace available to us each day as we ask God to renew our minds, strengthen us, help us live purposeful and disciplined lives, and above all to anchor our joy, worth and value in Him and not in the world.
Here are two scriptures which I hope will encourage you in this area of contentment.
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:11- 13
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
How do you deal with cultivating contentment in your own life?
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