My boys fill my heart with so much joy, yet most days I am at my whits end dealing with the complaining, whining and constant crying that challenges my patience! I’ll never forget early one morning at around 3am when my second born (who was 2 at the time) woke up, came to our room, stood by my husbands side of the bed and started demanding that he be taken downstairs to get some peanuts. Huh? we were so confused! Of course my husband said no it was to early, and then tried to encourage him to get back to bed.

This didn’t go well. Screaming and more screaming pierced what was a quiet still night for the next hour. In that moment I remember thinking to myself surely- surely no one else in this world has got a difficult child like this. Yet, I only have to speak briefly to my mum friends to know that we all share a similar common challenge with our children. Tantrums, whining, complaining, constant crying when they don’t get their own way- or even when they do!

Truthfully speaking, as a Christian parent, one of the areas that make me feel completely stuck and inadequate is dealing with naughty behaviour and tantrums from my children. I see Proverbs 22:6 hanging over my head and think but how? Look at what I am dealing with right now. I often freeze- trying to search my mental rule book of how I am supposed to respond.

In this post, I want to explore some of my spiritual and practical learnings when it comes to this area of training our children and their tantrums or bad behaviour and I hope that it’ll encourage you as you seek to steward the lives of your little ones toward all that is good and worthy.

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We all desire a positive and thriving parent-child relationship, and in the early years it can be difficult when dealing with a child who is not only limited in vocabulary, but who also has a developing emotional regulation (this is important to remember). Due to these mental and developmental factors alone, needs and wants are naturally expressed by whining, crying, and expressive behaviour -which is usually on the floor! Here are some points that have encouraged me.

1. Seek to see the heart behind the behaviour

Before addressing the behaviour that we see, it’s crucial to understand the heart behind it. Reading Shepherding a child’s heart by Tedd Tripp completely blew my mind in this area. Our children have sinful hearts and are bent towards sinful tendencies just as we are. Their behaviour is an outward expression of what is going on in their hearts, so when we respond only to the behaviour and don’t address the heart, we can miss a really important opportunity to sow a seed and train the heart towards what is good. For example, when looked at beyond the surface, snatching from another child is a symptom of selfishness which the Bible addresses in Philippians 2:2-4.

Looking further afield to this scripture then gives us a strategy which is to begin teaching about loving and considering others and why that it is a good and thoughtful thing. We are pursuing character in our children which is so important. I love thinking in this way because it goes straight to the heart, and when done in love, over and over and over again produces such powerful fruit and change in the heart. So much more change than a physical retaliation to their behaviour could do. We are deeply self centered humans and so encouraging the heart to look outward to others takes time and consistent effort on our part.

2. Teach and Reinforce Communication Skills

Use your words! I once heard someone say this to their upset toddler and I thought how interesting! When these young people in our lives are learning to express themselves, they don’t know what’s acceptable and what isn’t acceptable but we can teach them. We can give them the words that they need to use when they are feeling upset, and continue to remind them of this in the moment. Training and reinforcing a clear and simple way to communicate encourages baby steps toward maturity- even if they don’t fully understand why they have to say it. Prompting our kiddos to articulate their needs and feelings, reinforces the idea that using words is more effective than throwing themselves on the floor. In these heated moments, I remind my toddler that I cannot understand him when his voice reaches the ceiling and he is on the floor (lol). Usually because he actually does want to tell me what he is upset about, he’ll get up and say I am not crying any more mummy then proceed to try and communicate. Bless him. It’s a lot mamas!

3. Set Clear Expectations

My boys are determined to push my boundaries. It’s like they wake up in the morning and tag team between themselves and decide who is going to try to move the bar at certain times of the day. It feels so exhausting for me most of the time and I realised early on that in order to command respect (and also remember what I said!) I needed to set very clear and simple expectations. I am outnumbered by 3 children so I have had to learn this really quickly because I was getting run over too many times! One simple clear expectation in our house is before we start breakfast we get dressed and brush our teeth. This was put in place to help me feel more organised early on, and to also set the precedent of getting ourselves together once we have woken up. To help set this expectation of obedience, I printed 3 large routine posters (getting dressed, brushing teeth, breakfast) and put it on their door so they could visualise what we all needed to do. This simple and age-appropriate method did help to reinforce a rule of the household.

4. Be Consistent with Consequences

Consistency is key when it comes to disciplining toddlers and it is another tough area – whew! It sometimes creates more screaming and crying and it just tugs so hard on my heart strings. But listen I can’t have unruly children doing what they want to do in my house so mama has to literally hang onto God in order to stand firm when dishing out consequences! Often it is a time out or loss of privilege (such as watching a favourite show). It’s tough! We have reached a stage now where the boys know exactly why they are experiencing a consequence, are quick to apologise, and are willing to listen when we explain to them exactly why they have found themselves needing a consequence. When I remember I take it a step further by reminding them that it is because of love that I have to give them a consequence because God doesn’t want them to have a heart that is ….. and then whatever the issue is. Consistency with this has honestly helped my two eldest learn cause and effect (whether they accept it or not in that moment lol) and has helped reinforce the message that we don’t tolerate certain ways of living.

  5. Offer Choices

We all love to be in control, and toddlers are no different. My husband is great at being very assertive and clear in giving the boys two choices to empower them and reduce frustration. This does cut straight through the frustration and you can visibly see them trying to figure out which choice to make. It’s fascinating! For example, if someone is whining about wanting to play with something but we have said no, they are given the option of either accepting daddy’s decision and finding something else to play with, or having daddy pick a different toy for him to play with which is non negotiable.

 6. Remain Calm and Patient and be loving

Quite the opposite when one of the boys is really annoying me, but I realise that it is so essential in not only modelling good behaviour myself, but also as a way to reaching their hearts. Shame doesn’t produce good fruit, but love can move a heart to change. This approach can take time and is often overlooked and under appreciated until maturity begins to form. I am convicted in this area to keep loving, keep responding with a calm and kind demeanor – even when disciplining because it gives room for the Holy Spirit to do His work our children. Think about how Christ has dealt with, and continues to deal with us and it helps build humility in the way we approach our children. I believe that it is something that they will remember as they grow up. So lets take a deep breath. Lord help us.

Conclusion

Parenting and shepherding our children’s hearts is humbling work. It requires a delicate balance of understanding, patience, intention, strategy, and a lot of guidance from the Lord. May He give us the strength, grace and heart to remain committed to the worthy work of training and discipling, and hopeful in the good fruit that it will produce in their lives.

I’d love to hear how you have navigated, or are currently navigating the season of toddler tantrums!

Books that have encouraged me:

Ted Tripp- Shepherding a child’s heart

Sally Clarkson-10 Gifts of Heart: What Your Child Needs to Take to Heart Before Leaving Home